September 2008 I had an aneurysm in my right leg. The operation for it went wrong in recovery, probably the most pain I have experienced till now. Was given lots of Endone and Oxycontin (…Morphine in medical form…).   Initiated hallucinatory dreams and nightmares that would have done a Bosch or Dali proud. My dear friend Lucy gave me a diary to write them down. I dig it out from time to time, marvel at my spaced-out mind…

In the morning darkness of July 15th, 2018, this is Take 2.  This is part-whimsy, part-therapy, part-desperation. I’m going to record my dreams… nightmares.. painscapes here.

July 15th, 2018

sunday morning-small


View out my window. That’s not subtitling. It’s the screensaver on my PC .
6:55 sounds like a reasonable time to wake up, right?
Well, went to sleep at 3am. Even Jazz and Smokey who were in bed with me could not take the thrashing around. Woke up with bedclothes in a crumpled mess, half on floor.
I woke myself up. With my groaning in pain. Spike really had a go at me during the night, and I think I was doing what my mother called “Paying the piper”. My sister Nilu and her husband Martin arrived from London. Happy time at my brother’s place, late night yakking. Watched last part of England-Belgium play-off after coming home as I was scared to sleep and thought I’d get myself good and sleepy.
Wrong. Well, maybe right … but didn’t work. The Beast does not like me talking and laughing too much at night any more.

So here’s my dreams from the night….

This has become a recurring theme over past month. Probably Game of Thrones inspired? Winterscape, snow on ground but not heavy. Living in some sort of strange temporarty shelters. Open, desolate, treed sparsely. Alone. Mmm.. not quite, have Jazz with me all along.I know there are people around me because I communicate with them, but I cannot remember their faces. I do remember their voices. We are under siege, faceless enemy. (Ha ha, no bananas for interpretations here)
I need to keep moving because they are closing in,. At some point Jazz runs away to defend me … hmm… Maybe something of Legend here (the Will Smith remake of The Omega Man)??

I woke up many a time during my 3-hour night rolling from side to side to try and ease the pain. Which is now SOP for my nights.
Was being chased at some point and now had a woman with me. She is the same one that I sometimes am lying with my head in her lap and she has a hand resting on my brow. Jesus, that would be so good. (Sigh!. Especially when she gently places a hand on my right eye, light touch, cool. We jumped from a first floor window to get away … now was in what was almost definitely my old school in Madras. Woke up then so could not be sure.
I’m supposed to be scheduled for execution, have been warned.

Sipping cup of tea as I write this, Jazzy’s wandered in and hopped into bed with a sigh as if to say “You sure kept us all awake last night…”
I am going to join her in a minute. This is what my sleep has become. A friggin’ mess.
More to come. Ha ha, of that I can be sure…

PS: Going back into bed, Filippa Giordano taking me down with Ave Maria (Bach-Gounod). Listen to it on YouTube, a blanket of peace to keep your head warm…Music fixes everything. …. mmmm…..most things….

Ave Maria

July 16th, 2018

Hmm… that didn’t take long. It’s 3am,  I’m watching the World Cup final (feel sorry for Croatia, they were game, tried hard). Was going on the road last night, Ubering to carry the Cup crowds. Was hit by a wave of fatigue just before I hit the road, 7pm, thought I’d sleep for about 40 minutes. Those short daytime naps usually result in some pretty vivid dreams. Now? Not vivid dreams, but vivid frightmares. Like this….

I’m walking in a dusty landscape with Jazzy. Sun filtering through the dust, I’m tired (in my dreams too? groan) All of a sudden Kiara, our younger cat is around Jazz, following her. (They both are pretty good friends in real life)
Kiara starts running at Jazz and jumping at her from behind. And then…she pounces on Jazzy and to my horror squeezes into Jazz from behind… I think it was through her uterus.. 
She’s now disappeared inside Jazzy, who has started to shriek in agony, writhing in pain.  She’s doing that thing that dogs do when in extreme pain, turning and trying to bite her hindquarters, making an awful keening sound of pain. I’m crying and begging her to stay still  so I can help her, having trouble holding onto her. On my knees trying to hold her still and scrabbling at her hindquarters. I think to try and grab Kiara’s tail which should be still outside Jazz and pull her out. I hold something and tug and it turns out to be frayed rope that keeps coming out and then breaks off. It’s hard to even express the horror I’m feeling …. and of course, I wake up. I was actually gasping and sweating.
That’s a short nap in my life, July 2018… 

How does one go to sleep with darkness like this lurking in one’s head ?…


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